Xiayu

When something overwhelming is looming over you it can appear to shift despite being completely motionless.

I think that’s a lot like what happens when we try to escape ourselves and think that there is progress.

When you write to me, what I see in my inbox is junkmail
I don’t know how many times I have to attempt to unsubscribe
Before you will finally stop writing me

I lent you my space heater when you moved into your house
You had been left with an old oil heater
With just enough oil to last through the sale
And there you were, cold and alone

I wanted to keep you warm
So I did, using the only method I know
And winter didn’t seem so bad

I want to keep you warm, just not like this
Not like you want me to
And this…  well it feels forced to me
I can see more and more that it doesn’t for you

I know when spring comes you will decide on a new heater
One that will replace this old outdated one
Old and outdated things require time and effort to fix
And well, you can’t be troubled with that
And we had learned already how quickly shiny new things catch your eye
All young and beautiful

With trees so dense that I couldn’t see what was ahead of me
Summertime had me nailing up boards
You start with a foothold
And before long you have yourself a tree house
More fort than house, it’s where you go to leave the house
And it was fortified alright
Nothing was getting in without authorization…

You could show me how I feel, write my words into poetry
Maybe then I could finally see how I’ve been feeling all this time
I wish that you would
Because when you speak, I can see what you’re saying
You take pictures and paint
Paint me
Set me up and make me a punch line
Roller coaster and laughter
Give me the release that I can’t even imagine
Tell it
Have them applauding, cheering for the highs and lows
In clapping hands, whistling lips and mouths, know that you could never do wrong

Tell me, who are you remembering?
Someone you’ve never even met?
You claim a bond because you liked the same music
Well not necessarily the same music but at least similar music, right?
And maybe you wore similar clothes
But anyways, you tell me that the difference is that you wouldn’t have let your guard down for the time it took for theirs to cease
And so you keep the memory of their cessation alive
Thank you for that, asshole

I tend to take things literally
So when you said that you loved me, I thought you meant it
It turns out that taking things literally doesn’t work out so well

I want your advice like you want me to arrange a reality television intervention for your hoarding
I honestly think it would do you some good
You are not the northern star that I sail the ship of my life by
You are a guide only in the way that I know I’m going east when driving away from a sunset
Driving, all the while blinded by the reflection in my rear view mirror but that’s what gas station sunglasses are for

I may never love anyone as much as I loved you

You threw that away

That’s why I hate you

You were crazy
Well I mean you are crazy
But you were like the craziest person I have ever dated
And for fucks sake, I love your crazy

I wanted you and it disappointed me that you didn’t quite feel the same way
So I scared you away with the word that scares just about anyone
But the funny thing is that I didn’t mean it
I just meant that I liked you
A lot

And I didn’t want to have to introduce you to my friends
Be embarrassed
And then miss you

I miss you